It's disturbing when you become aware that your partner is abusing alcohol. Chances are the abuse and awareness both developed slowly and only when things got far out of control, did you notice. Most of us are good at not looking until we're forced to, it's called denial and mostly it's a healthy coping mechanism. However, with some conditions it's counterproductive. This is one of those conditions.

So, you have now awakened to the fact that there is an alcohol problem. What triggered this new awareness - bail requests, DUI's, bounced checks, etc. - doesn't really matter. You can, of course, delay doing anything productive by simply wrangling about these symptoms of alcohol abuse. Most people do, usually for years.

Why the delay? Sometimes it's the hope that the problem will just go away, and occasionally it does, for a while. Understandably, none of us really wants to head down the bleak road of alcoholism and treatment.

Additionally, and embarrassingly, there is also a certain allure in being connected to a drunk. Their problems overshadow yours and, in comparison, you always look good, to yourself and others. You are the long suffering one who never has to think about cleaning up your own act since theirs is so much worse and so obviously in need of attention. Of course you also have the permanent upper hand in any disputes and a good reason for absolutely anything you might be doing. Those are a lot of generally unacknowledged benefits to give up.

And, in a perverse way, if the drinking and its effects have become intolerable to you, working at fixing it means focusing on yourself, and these "benefits," not your "other," and not on the drinking. You need to begin with yourself because it’s all you can do. You need a new set of benefits.

In a word, you "disengage," both from his alcohol problem, and your sainthood.

If it's time for a change, it's important to remember that you can't change anyone but yourself, though that may be enough. As you change, those around you must too as they seek to establish a new balance in your relationship. No, you can't predict or control how or what they will do, and that's the scary part, but they will change. They may quit or modify their drinking; or decide they prefer their bottle to you and leave; or transfer their obsession to "recovery;" or vacillate for as long as you tolerate it. That decision may eventually be yours, but if you've been preparing yourself you will be able to make decent choices.

Yes, there are things you stop doing - mostly protecting the drunk from the logical consequences of their drinking. You don't post bail; visit them in jail; listen to intoxicated monologues; lie to their employers or families. On the active side, you do separate assets, accounts, and other financial matters as completely as possible. You find new activities to do with others and you do them regardless of complaints and manipulations. You look after your health. If you have children you look at ways to insure their safety and security.

The best part is that in taking care of yourself and improving your life you will feel much better about yourself and won't need a drunk to make you look good. You will look good and be good in your own right. That's a considerable achievement.

As women, we tend to wait for someone else to take the lead, but if we won't stand up for ourselves, why would anyone else? So stand up, you'll be glad you did.